Who on earth understands me?

I know that by saying "people usually don't understand me", I'm already putting this force over some people which makes them feel like I think I'm 'superior' to them or something. I used to feel that way towards some in the past, but maybe I understand more now.

At this point, I don't even know if I understand myself. I'm rarely unable to write about how I'm feeling. I'll try, it makes me better. Its disturbing how the words of a person can do that to me. Its not just the words, but my thoughts that come after it that disturbs me.


But I really know many wouldn't be able to understand me. I'm not feeling sad, I'm not being pessimistic, emo or whatever. Just confused. I just want to write out these thoughts to straighten out my thoughts. At least I'll be able to understand myself.

I don't expect anybody to cheer me up, I don't want people to tell me I have no right to be sad because there are people dying in Africa or how I should stop thinking about death or these things when my life is perfectly fine.

My life isn't perfectly fine even though it MIGHT seem like it is to you. Its true that another person in a same situation would be happier than me but our life's made up of how we feel about things.



I'm not saying it in a "you won't understand me, I don't want you to understand me, go away" tone, because if you really do (and have felt the way I mentioned above), please talk to me. I just don't want people to come to conclusions about me.

I'm not rejecting any flaws in me, because I do know I have a very flawed personality. Its not like I can't take these things, or don't reflect.

Its just that sometimes I do know who I seem to be isn't who I am. When someone continually INSISTS that I am who I am actually not, it leaves me extremely disturbed. But when I reflect, I don't know if what they're saying is true or whether I'm really rejecting it. I don't know who I should listen to. Myself, or others?



I know that people might be afraid to speak to me after this because they're afraid they wouldn't understand me. I don't know how to put it either. I'll appreciate any effort to make me feel better, definitely.

Just in case I say I don't want to talk about it, don't feel too bad or force yourself to cheer me up, or tell me I have no reason to be "emo". Or if I'm blunt about it, sorry. I can't be cheered up.



Sometimes, I think I'm bogged down by the "I'm feeling this way, but I don't admit it because its wrong to be feeling this way". I'm always disgusted by who I am, how I behave and how I think sometimes. My personality is flawed. I can be so heartless sometimes.

I do need somebody to talk to. Who understands?

(To my one friend who does, it isn't you (: )